Taken for Granted

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Today I overheard a conversation in the bus. The public bus I usually travel in.

A lady was telling her friend that she'd recently seen a man making a young boy get up from his seat, and have his wife sit there in his place. The boy was around 8-10 years old, she said. The man justified his act when she questioned him, saying that he was a senior official at the Transport Corporation which is running this bus.

I wouldn't say he was being courteous to the wife. I'd say he was being uncourteous to the little boy. That is, given the reason he did.

Firstly, why didn't he make an able-bodied full-grown adult get up? Why take advantage of an innocent child, to display his chivalry?

Though I'm treading in the area of commenting on a situation that I havn't witnessed myself, it didn't sound right.

In fact, there are many ways men try to be “gentlemen”, and I wish they didn't try so hard. Because many of them are associated with stereotypes of how they think women are. I've seen men who wouldn't share hard drinks with women. I still understand when people of two generations back do such a thing, but young men in their twenties- give me a break!

And then there's lifting heavy objects. Elderly men offer to do such things for young women. And then there's the issue of intelligence- I've heard about male electricians and plumbers telling lady clients, “Saab aayenge toh baat karenge” (Let's have a detailed discussion when Sir comes home), before explaining the problem that has occured.

I do appreciate the genuine courtesy of men who help. But really, I think we should take another look at the ideas at the back of our heads around what is masculine and feminine. Alongside, perhaps many men would stop twisting these ideas to throw their weight around- just like the public bus incident mentioned above.

Given all the discussions found in popular media, about traits of men and women that attract partners for each, I'd once asked my cousin, what are the things a girl might do, that will irritate boys around her. And he said, it really comes down to the individual girl and boy concerned, the situation, the time, the space- how can you generalise?

And it made sense to me. There are no fixed answers to what and who and how men or women are. There shouldn't be. Because it leads to hollow assumptions, and expectations that in the end bind individuals and restrict personalities. And it lets one sex assume it's the protector, or the more powerful one over the other- however that plays out in behaviour.